CCoSZ

[jkid101094]

No it's not, you tard.
Maybe you just need some closure.

[Hakudamashi]

Stalk her.

[HMS7]

Hey guys, idk what code this would be. But I need someone to talk to. I'm just.. *sighs* idk.... just a lot on my mind right now..
~HMS7~

[Hakudamashi]

I guess this calls for a code black...
I have a problem, a problem that has been with me since as long as I can remember. A problem that I think I need to make public to someone I care about before one of my attempts at ending my own life becomes successful.

The short Version? I have zero self worth. No matter what people try to tell my, I consider myself completely, and utterly worthless and unlikeable.

The long version? Growing up, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I had no plans for the future, no real goals or dreams, I just did what people around me told me to do, and did whatever they suggested I should do.
I never had that "Moment of self discovery" that some people describe to me, where you find out that one thing you enjoy doing, or the discovery of your special talent, or that moment where your parents or friends notice that there's this one thing you do really well and suggest you explore it further. I just went with the flow, and did what people around me claimed to be the "right thing to do".

This then led me to "wanting" to be a doctor, and went through several miserable years of school where deep down I know I wasn't enjoying any of it, but I didn't object or rebel cause I didn't know what else to do. Instead of nipping the problem at the bud and telling my family how unhappy I was, I stayed quiet, because more than anything, I was afraid of dissapointing everyone. So my family were none the wiser, and thought I was doing what I wanted to do, and gave me their words of encouragement as I pressed on... That is until I made it to University.
Due to a series of emotional trauma and turmoil cause I guess my misery levels reached the boiling point, I had a long, hard, heartfelt talk with my mother.
Yes, she was dissapointed that all the money she's spent up until now was for naught, and I wasted an entire university year since I failed all the classes, but she was much more concerned that I was miserable all this time, and she didn't know, which in turn, made me really tear up inside as all this could have been avoided if I wasn't such a pansy and had this talk much sooner.

So my mom was willing to help me discover what my talent is, and find what it is I truly want to do with my life, despite me being a 19 year old man, but she was the only one to share that feeling. My aunt on the other hand, not wanting to see her sister's time, money, and resources go to waste, told me I better hurry up and decide something and stop being a burden.
So due to my very weak willed nature, I cracked under pressure and simply chose a job that'll give me an "easy" time at school...
Aaaaaand, I hate it, I hate it very much, I've already failed a class twice, I'm not enjoying what I'm ding, and I'm miserable all over again. I can''t backpedal outta this one after I made that public speech about how "confident" I am about this, but here I am again, wasting my precious mother's time, money and resources, being a burden. And I still have no special talent, no goal, and no dreams to do anything else.

I'm not enjoying life, and I'm dragging everyone I care about with me, as because of their love for me, they make all these needless sacrifices to make sure I'm happy and comfortable, and I have nothing to show for it. And I can't help but think if I was never born in the first place, how much happier everyone would be.

I've just, ruined everything, and to no end.
I just... feel everything would be better if I just disappeared.