CCoSZ

[~Bubblicious~]

Code Yellow

I feel like giving everyone my life story online. So. Here.

My stepfather is / was a drug addict. Even before I was born. He always had some form of resentment towards me for not being his child, and that only intensified as I got older. We were always moving, my mom and I, sometimes not him. I couldn't understand why until I got older. He caused us to lose our place to stay or otherwise, or she was trying to leave him and it didn't work. My little brother came around when I was seven. Both of my parents openly admit to the fact they started ignoring me when he was born. I helped a lot with taking care of him when I wasn't too jealous of him to do so. I faded completely out of existence almost when my little sister was born. I was in the background, only seen when it was appropriate to see me.

My first "boyfriend" when I was eleven was a pedophile. I was insecure, no one payed me any attention, but he did. I clung to that and ended up doing some things here and there for him that no child that age should have done. Not sex, no, but it was still wrong for him to have taken advantage of me- even worse that I was too stupid to see I was being used. Even then, my stepfather only grew more and more hateful towards me. He'd call me names, push me around, and I was too scared to tell anyone. I started hating him with a passion the day I first saw him hit my mother. I watched from the window as he balled up his fist and punched the hell out of her. All I know is I started screaming.

Time went on, his abuse only got worse and worse and I stayed quiet. Who would ever listen to a little girl? Who'd want a crippled little freak? My fathers didn't want me, who would?

I turned to cutting myself all the time. Starved myself. Anything so I could 'punish' myself. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I hurt myself enough I'd be loved. I'd be wanted and cared for. Maybe they would see I was hurt and make it all better. It never happened.

My pain was dismissed, my needs ignored. My siblings had love, and here I was. The discarded child. The sole defender of a mother who didn't seem to love me either. All I could do was sit and be quiet. Sit and take up a razor. Curl up in my bed and wonder why I couldn't cry to make myself feel better. What was I doing wrong? Was I still being bad?

Years dragged on and on, and I slowly weened off of anorexia. Stopped cutting myself. Slowly grew a back-bone to stand up to my tormentor. I was so tired of watching him hit on my mother, both of us too cowardly to stand up to him. Tired of watching him pop my little brother in the mouth. Manhandle him. Call him the odd term here and there. Tired of watching my perfect little brat sister be the only one loved and cared for by him. Tired of being degraded and occasionally molested.

I just recently worked up the balls to call the police on him. I've been in and out of court constantly these past few days. I'm going again on Thursday. I'll be moving in with my grandmother after.

There's a whole bunch of other shit that I didn't feel like talking about.

I've been feeling worse and worse, more stressed and overworked lately. I could sleep forever and it wouldn't be enough. I keep breaking into tears at random and I don't know why. I want to stay in bed all day, do nothing. We weren't allowed to show emotion around my stepfather, he wouldn't let us. Now he's gone and I don't know what to do with everything I kept hidden. Things that I only recently came out about in family therapy.

I finally let it out and now I want to tell the whole god damn world how fucked up I am.

But in some fucked over little dark way, I'm happy. I'm happy because it made me strong and appreciate what I do have. Yet at the same time, curling up and dying sounds so pleasant.

[TheGameNinja]

First of all, it sounds like you might have depression, which wouldn't be very surprising given your circumstances. You might want to talk about that with someone.

You should be proud that you did something about the situation you were in. None of what happened was your fault. You've got the rest of your life to make up for all the time you spent that way, so don't give up!

[Supersonic196]

I know the feeling Tobi, and I'm glad you're coming out of it. I remember times when I would hate myself even more for being too weak to continue hurting myself. I remember thinking of a quiet suicide that would go unnoticed for a while, and almost attempting it.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have such an awful human being as a stepfather, but I'm glad you stood up and rose against. Court is always draining, but once it's over, and you're away from him, things will get better. I know they will. And you have every right to be happy after going through all of that.

Death isn't a remedy Tobi. I used to think I could off myself, and all my troubles would be gone. To be fair, they would. However, the world needs people like you, people who can think and feel differently from the rest of them. People who can offer help to others in a situation they've been through.

Also SZ would really suck without Tobi.

[jkid101094]

You aren't fucked up, Tobi. You saw that something wrong was happening and you stepped up and took action. Not many people can do that these days and I think it's pretty admirable.

If you need to cry then do it. Nothing helps more then getting everything out, at least in my case.

I also know how you feel about curling up and dying but you and I both know that's just the sad feelings talking. You just have to forget about the bad things. That's why I come here. =P

Also, I typed my post first, you quick-typing bastards. >:C

[Tanassy]

Not to sound out of place..

But as far as being "Fucked up" goes, isn't that what makes you such a unique and lovable person? "Fucked up" probably isn't the right term, but you aren't normal, I'm telling you that. It makes me sad we don't talk much anymore, you were always a great friend and a great person. One of my favourite people. -

If that doesn't have the desired effect I'm sorry x3


But in all seriousness, curling up and dying quietly ALWAYS sounds like a good idea. But you really should wait until you're like.. 60 years older to do that. Things always have time to get better.

[jkid101094]

Code Cyan

Eh, I just feel like going on a small rant so I figured I'd put this here where it can get lost instead of clogging up the Off-Topic section with a topic no one will reply to.

Why is it that people think I'm so fucking cool? Like, seriously. I don't mean to sound like a douche or a downer so just hear me out here.

I go on the chat as an anon to joke around and troll a bit for fun. I see some people I don't know and eventually we get to a point where they start getting mad or seriously fighting back so I say something like, "I'm jkid, that's just how I roll." Now, immediately the guy who was just practically yelling at me just backs off and is like, "Oh, you're jkid? -insert stuff here-" and I'm like, "Who the fuck are you and how do you know me off-hand."

...OK, that's only really happened once and I forget who I did it to but still. I know it sounds like I'm bitching about nothing but when did we come to a point where people I've never met are treating me like I've know them for ages. There's also a few people on Facebook who do this whose names I won't disclose. This is more of a, "What the hell?" thing than something I'm seriously complaining about so it's no biggie if you don't respond, but this next part I'd at least like you to skim.

So, to start off with kind of chains into my last one but not really. Why the hell do people see me as such a great goddamn role model? First it was my cousin, Ryan. Then Joey. Now John and Savannah (all family by the way) and I've even been kinda getting hints that a few of the younger kids around here might look up to me in some one. I won't say names, though. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but what in the fuck makes me such a goddamn good role model? I hardly exercise. I eat CONSTANTLY. I want to get a sex change. I'm as fucked up in the head as one kid can get. People here and elsewhere have been calling me an ass a hell of a lot lately. What in the blazing blue hell would make any one look up to me? On top of that I'm damned tired of gaining these kids trust just to shut them down. Joey doesn't like me because I was too lazy to play with him. Wes might have lived if I had gotten off my fat ass to help. Even Savannah (though she's just as fucked up as I am) told me that she hated me and that I was a terrible brother. You'd think after failing so many times that people would just give up on me but no.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself but I also have major self esteem issues. My mom knows I'm self conscious and anti-social. She tells it to everyone. I don't want you guys to treat me differently when I say this but things that I do wrong? They don't just go away. Some things that I do to make other people mad or think of me differently still haunt me and lower my self-esteem even more.It's gotten so bad that I've caught myself murmuring that I hate myself just randomly. It's become just as natural as breathing. And yes, I know I'm being a whiny, little bitch about this so let's just get to the part you might actually be able to read without face palming.

Mom is going to die soon...Or so she says. Recently she was diagnosed with genital herpes (I shit you not, dude) and an extremely high blood pressure. She has to check it every day and take pills for it and Vannah (being a four-year old girl) isn't helping. So she and Ben have been cramming that fact down my throat since she found out and I'm sick of it. The only two people that I ever fully trusted in that house are now shoving the fact that they're on their last leg in my face. You think I feel fucking good about that? And the worst part is that they don't even care. They've accepted it for what it is and can't exactly say the same. Now, for those of you who know that I refer to my grandma as "mom" and my mom as, "Ronnie" might ask, "Well why don't you live with your mom?" I don't because my mom is a goddamn toker whore that does nothing but struts her goddamn vagina around, get high by any means necessary and rips off her own family. The reason I live with my grandma is because when my brother and I were born she was declared an "unfit mother" and whoever the fuck was in charge wanted us to be put in a foster home. My grandma raised me all my life and now that I'm getting old I'm supposed to take the fact that she's going to die soon with a fucking smile? I'm sorry, I just can't do that.

What makes it worse? Right now I'm taking GED testing. Mom wants me to find a college and I'm supposed to just find one, get accepted and go. The catch? Mom doesn't trust anyone else and I don't blame her. So that means, and let me just paint you a picture, if mom were to die next year I would would have to juggle:

> College and all of it's work, whatever that may be.

> Finding and maintaining a well paying job to support a large house with a bunch of asses who buy nothing and eat EVERYTHING. Did I mention that our house is being auctioned because we're $100,000 in dept? Yeah, I can totally count on everyone to pitch in. Moving out is an option but our family has kept it safe for 70+ years. The mayor apparently wants to tear it down, too. I'm not making this shit up, this is what mom tells me.

> Taking care of and raising a 7-year old girl on my own because, let's face it, can you see me getting a girlfriend or a room mate to help me any time soon? No? Didn't think so.

I don't know about you but I've heard some horror stories about all three and that does not sound pleasant. On top of that I'm starting to realize that I'm a piece of shit at my chosen career. I can't program games for the life of me and not a goddamn soul cares about RoE. I plan to base my life around Seth and Crys and not a goddamn soul thinks their story is interesting enough to listen to.

I'm going to stop here because I've gotta go eat but going from being lazy ass jkid with too much time to spend to...well...that in all but a big fucking shift and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. I just wanted to type this to get it off my chest and all. Feel free to ignore it.

[JJSonicShadow]

Code Yellow
My GF broke up with me, said I make a fool out of myself, at least to her
I'm depressed about that
Not happy about what's happening in my life.
I want someone to help me and comphort me!

[SuperSonic23]

Code Yellow
My GF broke up with me, said I make a fool out of myself, at least to her
I'm depressed about that
Not happy about what's happening in my life.
I want someone to help me and comphort me!

Dude, it's ok. There are many fishes in the sea.

As for my own problem, I had a fight with my little sister just because of space on the bed. My parents got made at me, and are saying they're going to send me to Pennsylvania to my strict uncle's house. They've been saying that for years, but they approved it this time. What should I do?

[Supersonic196]

Dude, it's ok. There are many fishes in the sea.

As for my own problem, I had a fight with my little sister just because of space on the bed. My parents got made at me, and are saying they're going to send me to Pennsylvania to my strict uncle's house. They've been saying that for years, but they approved it this time. What should I do?

you should give me a high five when you get here.

[JetTheHawk]

Greatness.

[CradledEggle]

Colour Yellow - I guess, maybe. I'm usually the logical one, or have grown to be. I understand people's depression and try to get them to be better, talk to them, ect. I myself would also need this, and there were people I could talk to. Right now I've come to realize a few things, like how some people who used to be the greatest and closest now seemingly which nothing of me, which I understand, things happen. But the thing is, even knowing I have a place, at least one parent, food. I can't get over it. I hate being "that guy" but it's kinda stuck. I'm at an internal war. The side that knows to be happy, the side that's sad. I'm not one to just be emotional, but I guess it happens. My ex step mom has broken up the family. I don't see my brothers that much, or she doesn't care for them. I myself don't know if things are going to be ok. I've made good friends, but I've also lost great friends, people who confided in me and I them. People whom of which we'd almost never go a day without at least a "hi". And if we did have a conversational break due to stuff, we'd be right back on track. I don't know. I'm not saying life is hard for me, it's not. I've talked to people before, some more than others, they know who they are. I've been through alot worse than what I am now. Losing my granfather, losing my mother, losing my uncle and seeing my grandmother flatline. I've had a friend hang themselves because their family couldn't except them. I've had rocks thrown at me and been whipped in the eyes with a watery pain filled rag, all for being 'different' and having to move a bit when I was younger. I've grown but yet, today i've snapped and caved in. Maybe i'm still as mentally unstable as I used to. Maybe it's because some people have gone. Maybe I should just shut up and continue, but either way, i've got this burden that at least needs to be told. It may not be cured, but its here.

Thank you to anyone who chooses you reply.

[Mikey]

Code Pink/Blue/Purple/Grey/Black
Okay. It all started when I was just a wee little lad. My father took up heavy drinking, became a drunk. Along with this he became violent, and targeted me. This resulted in beatings for almost 12 years now. Well, things got bad just last year. He was really drunk one night and stabbed me in the eye with a tooth pick causing me to lose my vision in my eye. At this point, I was devastated, broken. I planned on ending my life a couple days after the incident, I had everything planned, the noose hung and everything. Go to school, come home, kill self. Well, that day I met this girl named Autumn. She read me like a book, she could tell exactly what I was going through. She walked with me to the bus that day; knowing she was the final person I was going to talk to. Well, before she let me on the bus she wrapped her arms around me and asked me to be hers. I was ecstatic, I've found a reason to live, a reason to deal with the beatings! I've never been happier...
We go strong for 2 weeks, she leaves me for her ex that she left for me. I was broken again. Except, we still talked, and she still loved me, so I hung on, hoping for another chance at this. It came about 2 weeks later, she was back in my arms. We went strong for nearly 4 months. Then said ex decided to toy with her again, tearing her away from me yet again. She realized what she did was wrong, and I took her back.
Well, this situation happened a couple times total, but I always won in the end. Eventually, I told her everything. I opened up to her, showing her my true self. I have a weird, soft heart, that does anything and everything it can to please everyone. No matter how my feelings are toward them. She said she understood completely, and that she finally knew what it was like to love. Well, today came...the ex decided to intervene again because of his hate for me. He toys with her, and I know full well hes nothing but a liar who wants the worse for me. He tells her that he wants her back, he just has to think about things before he does. I tried explaining to her that it was all a lie, all a joke to him. But no; I'm wrong. Hes the best thing in the world.
And now I sit here, lonely and broken.
Hoping to god someone understands this pain.

Now you all know everything. Have at me...

[jkid101094]

Well I'm sorry to hear about all that, Mikey. I've never been in your situation so I can't exactly give you advice but history has a way of repeating itself. Autumn just needs to get over that guy.

Also I'm really thinking someone should call someone on your dad. Like, seriously. Wherever you go I'm sure it's better than being beat.

[jkid101094]

CODE FUCKING EVERYTHING.

So you know that LZtD group I was hanging out with? Turns out they hate me. Kay apparently hates me too. They said I was a creepy terrible person and now I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

I'm crying guys. You know how hard it is to make me cry. I lost so many friends today that it hurts.

[Tanassy]

Wait.. what? That's a sudden turn of events... I don't even know how to react.. even Kay? I'm sorry to hear that.. I'm still here, hun :c