A Little Short Story I Wrote ~Topic Made out of Complete Boredom~

[eXtremeAzure]

Yes. I wrote a little somethin'-somethin'. It was made because I'm applying to join an RP Wolf Pack, and this is my RP example. But it kind of turned more into a third-person story, than a first-person RP.


In the grasslands of Ordone, a small village is situated in the Valley of Time. There, live the humans, and their protectors...the wolves.
One wolf, who goes by the name of Roth, was the least favorite. He was born as an outcast, only because of his scar located on his left eye, which represented bad luck & anger. This, made a few humans fear him, others just rejected him completely. But he didn't care, he always told himself, that one day, ONE day; he would be the most legendary wolf in the entire village. It wasn't a big honor, since the village was so small, but it was good enough for him.
It was a windy October day in the Ordone Village. Roth had just woken up, after a tiring night of pulling carriages of fire wood. The young male yawned & stretched getting ready to start his day. He made his way to the watering hole, to get something to drink before he would set off on his morning round of hunting. He tilted his head down and began to whip his tongue at the water and slurping it up. The next thing he knows...he's in the water. His rival, who was pack leader, Absalom, had pushed him in. He looked into the eyes of his enemy and began to snarl. He growled and said: ''you son of a good for nothing bastard!'' Absalom began to laugh at Roth's anger and replied: ''Hey, I'm not the village outcast my boy. YOU are.'' With that said, he laughed once more before turning away, leaving Roth in the lake, completely drenched from head to paw.
He pulled himself out, and by his surprise, Scarletta, the head Female Wolf was there looking at him and smiling. But this smile wasn't evil; it was a loving, warm smile. Roth had a crush on her from since they were pups. And now he thought to himself: ''I don't believe it. S-she's ACTUALLY making eye contact with me?!'' He shook left and right, trying to get dry, so he wouldn't look shaggy in her eyes. He then said with his head tilted down to the ground, trying to avoid eye contact: ''U-uh. You saw that?''. Scarletta chuckled and then replied: ''Yes hot-shot. I saw that. But don't worry; Absalom can be a little...rough...when he's ready. But don't let him intimidate you. Listen, you want to go hunting together?'' Roth's ears perked up and became completely erect. His yellow/gold eyes lighted up in complete excitement. He couldn't believe that she just said ''together''. After day-dreaming for a few seconds, he nodded in agreement and the two went off into the main grasslands.

Roth couldn't believe he was actually running alongside her. The fantasies that he used to have every time he went to sleep were now a reality. ''Side-by-side...ME & HER!'' he kept screaming in his mind. As if just sitting two spots away from her was an epic thrill, running right along the side of her made Roth feel like he was going to pass out.  After running for about 5 miles, they reached their hunting grounds. These grounds always had enough prey fit for a Wolf King. Today, there was a nice big herd of Elk, the favorite meal of these village wolves. It was time to show Scarletta his skills. Roth said in a proud voice: ''Alright Scarletta, watch & learn.'' Scarletta rolled her eyes and told him: ''Roth, don't be a show-off. Seriously, I HATE guys who are like that.'' Roth's ears perked up, and he gave her an un-easy smile of embarrassment.

He walked low & slow into the tall grass, fixing his view on a young Elk that was wandering away from the larger adults. He extracted his claws from his paws and gripped the dirt so when he sprinted, he'd have maximum traction and speed. He waited for the young elk to get far enough from the herd, so that they couldn't interfere, and close enough to him, to avoid wasting energy. He watched the elk's every move, and then finally, he got it in the right position. He immediately sprinted. His speed was at its limit as he pushed harder and harder, the young elk had no time to react. Roth sunk his teeth into the neck of the elk and jerked it up into his mouth. He then made a U turn and ran back to Scarletta. The adults of the herd, just realizing what had happened, ran back into the woods, scared for their lives. He trotted back to Scarletta, flashing his eye-brows up and down meaning: ''You like?'' Scarletta chuckled a little bit. Roth placed the elk down on the ground, next to her, letting her get the first bite. As she tilted her head down, to eat the meat, he followed right after her. They devoured the deceased young elk in a matter of minutes. All was left was a dry skeleton, rotting into the soil.

The two then made their way up to Sun Drop Peak, the most beautiful vista in the entire valley. They sat there at the edge of the peak, looking into the horizon. The sun, which had just risen, devoured the entire landscape in a golden light. It was a marvelous sight to see. Roth always went up there, every morning to watch the sunrise, and every night to watch it set. But this felt so much better, so much different. Because he was with the one he loved. His heart was beating fast & proud, he couldn't help but smile. But then...the root of his fantasies became a reality. She looked at him with her marvelous Hazel-colored eyes, and gazed into his sparkly blue-colored eyes. She said to him in a soft, loving voice: ''Roth....I want to tell you something...'' Roth's ears perked up and his eyes widened in surprise. She then said: ''This morning...was amazing. I would love to do it again some-time. But not as just a friend...'' Roth was about to fall right over the edge of the peak, as he knew what she was about to say next. She then went closer to him, puckered her lips, and pressed it against his. Roth couldn't believe this was happening, it was as if every dark, horrible thing that happened to him in his life, had disappeared. His scar began to glow, before also, like his bad luck, disappeared. The stood there, kissing, forgetting the rest of the world and just focusing on each other.





Like I said, I made this topic out of boredom. But hey, I'd also like an honest opinion. ^^

[Princessofthechaosemerald]

This is amazing, cute too. I love it.

Good punctuation and grammar, Yadda yadda. The story is what I liked the most, especially the third paragraph. Keep writing~

[eXtremeAzure]

This is amazing, cute too. I love it.

Good punctuation and grammar, Yadda yadda. The story is what I liked the most, especially the third paragraph. Keep writing~

Thanks a bunch Maddie. ^^

[Supersonic196]

Good punctuation and grammar.

[Princessofthechaosemerald]

Thanks a bunch Maddie. ^^

Welcome x3

[~Bubblicious~]

Righto, serious feedback time.

   There is a lack of sensory details, I can see what you're saying, but not clearly. You didn't go into clear enough detail with the surroundings or the village itself, nor with Roth to begin with. Remember,  not everyone will know what is in your head before hand.  Several lines are severely cliche, but easily over-looked as this is just a short-story. The cliche of this story, however, crosses a line with the rushed romance. The romance itself is vastly lacking depth and explanation. How did the romance come to be? Why did they like each other? It's fine and dandy they went hunting together, and yes, it's fine he was trying to show off, but where's the story line itself? The writing itself looks like you're trying far too hard, and because of that you're losing focus of detail and plot. Even the shortest of stories need a plot of some sort. Then the ending... was also a tad cliche. However, all in all, it isn't all that bad. Just needs more work and it'll be Deviant-Art-Worthy , or whatever other site you upload stories onto if you do.

[eXtremeAzure]

Righto, serious feedback time.

   There is a lack of sensory details, I can see what you're saying, but not clearly. You didn't go into clear enough detail with the surroundings or the village itself, nor with Roth to begin with. Remember,  not everyone will know what is in your head before hand.  Several lines are severely cliche, but easily over-looked as this is just a short-story. The cliche of this story, however, crosses a line with the rushed romance. The romance itself is vastly lacking depth and explanation. How did the romance come to be? Why did they like each other? It's fine and dandy they went hunting together, and yes, it's fine he was trying to show off, but where's the story line itself? The writing itself looks like you're trying far too hard, and because of that you're losing focus of detail and plot. Even the shortest of stories need a plot of some sort. Then the ending... was also a tad cliche. However, all in all, it isn't all that bad. Just needs more work and it'll be Deviant-Art-Worthy , or whatever other site you upload stories onto if you do.

That review is harshly-honest, Tobi. But I agree with you. It wasn't meant to be a strictly serious story, though. But, yes, I do still need a bit of practice. But thanks for your feedback! ^^